Before you know it

Things* that we can eat a ton of…

Don't stop until you get enough

Taco Burgers
Oreo cookies
Tootsie Rolls
Cool(er?) Ranch Doritos
Mini pretzels
M&Ms (Plain or Peanut)
Gummy Bears
Deviled eggs
Beef jerky
Brownies
Chips and Salsa/Queso
Fresh baked rolls
Waffles
Scrambled eggs
Bacon
Jello
Free salad and bread sticks
Free continental breakfast
Punkin pie
Pudding (chocolate only)
Peppernuts
Pssh.  PIZZA.
Lucky charms (only once in a blue moon, though)
Donut(hole)s

*These foods are to be enjoyed slowly and deliberately, without even realizing it.  They are not for scarfing.  Unless you feel like it or are in a hurry.

Like a Champion

W-wa-water!

Dear Diary,

I’m thirsty.  Guy-about-to-die-in-the-middle-of-the-desert thirsty.  I’m too weak/lazy to get up and get some water from the drinking fountain which is less than six meters away from my cubicle seat, where I’m sitting in a pathetic slump.

There a bottle of water on my shelf.  It’s been sitting there for six months, untouched.  I used it to water my plants, but then I stopped just to watch them die.  Fyi, they won’t die.  Someone else keeps watering them when I’m not in my office.

Is that water good?  It’s been sitting there, stagnant, for six months.  The cap is screwed on, but lightly, rather than tightly.

What would a bad-ass from the old west do?  They’d drink that water, is what!  They wouldn’t be all sissy about it, but then they’d probably die a horrible painful death, as their family watched with pity turning to anger turning to shame.

Too late, I drank it.  Let me just say it tastes fine; I’m just wondering if I’ll be cutting my guts out with a spoon later on tonight.

Sims

Characters for a Monumental Work of Fiction

Sims

"Oh very good, sir."

Manservant beyond reproach, Sims is a faithful gentleman’s gentleman.

His strengths include couture tailoring, preparing a very sincere pot of tea, martial arts, and mastery of a surprising number of languages (both living and dead).  His weaknesses include an overbearing sense of chivalry, which has thus far prevented any romantic endeavours from progressing past a tip of the hat.

Sims has a way of being in the right place at the right time, holding the right implement, ready to serve up anything from cocktails to pain.

The Cool Room

A small example.

A guy needs a place to be cool.  Not that he can’t be cool around women, cause women are totally cool.  But a guy needs a place to BE COOL.  To play the kind of music he likes to play.  Drink the drinks, watch the TV, joke the jokes that he wants without the worry.  Everyone is welcome, of course.  But they are also free to leave when they want, if they want.

A rumpus room works best.  For some guys it’s a garage with tools and such.  That’s good, too.  Depends on your interests.  But then, you have to ask, why not both?  And be honest.

Rumpus rooms work well in corners, and they work best in basements.  Walls are lined with faux wood-paneling, floors covered with bespeckeled brown shag carpet.  An old couch, gently used, will accompany an old easy chair.  A gold-colored, fancily gaudy globe lamp hangs in the corner by a decorative gold chain, through which the clear-gold-coated power cord is interlaced.  A garage-sale (or homemade) entertainment center graces a wall facing the couch.  It features perhaps a console TV, turntable, and receiver, all wired to great bookshelf or (if you’re affluent) stand-up speakers.

A bar is essential.  It doesn’t have to be wet, since plumbing is expensive if not already installed.  But it does need a mirror with little golden etchings to make it look old and the logo of some long-forgotten beer company painted across it.  A padded rail upholstered with faux-leather (or, “pleather”) provides comfort for elbows which will never lean against it.  (Those rusty-legged stools haven’t been mounted in years.)  The stocking of the bar is up to you.  Maybe you managed to fit a mini-fridge under there, keeping frosty the various microbrews that you love to offer a friend.  Maybe there are dusty bottles of various liqueurs that never get touched, arranged neatly on a shelf behind very dust-free bottles of spirits that often do.  Maybe you just use the storage space for your collection of beer steins which will someday get their day in the sun when you finally throw that Oktoberfest party!  (You won’t.)

Other accoutrements, befitting your interests and personality, are certainly possible.  Bowling trophies?  A guitar case (possibly housing a guitar)?  I’m not here to tell you what makes a man; society does that already.  But make sure it’s a place where you can be comfortable doing what you want.  If someone doesn’t like it, then there’s the door.  (Up the stairs and through the kitchen.)

SNOW

It's snowy and gray and that's winter, suckas!

The glory of snow.  It’s wonderful.  It’s magical.  It’s also a huge pain.

I don’t see snow too much.  South Texas is devoid of the white stuff.  I only get to see it once a year when I visit Kansas for the holidays.  Somehow, and I’m grateful, it has snowed during my brief week-long visit each year for the last three.  I remember growing up there and not getting too many White Christmases.  What a bunch of crap.

Snow is pure and beautiful.  It’s a great decoration to any landscape, as long as there is enough.  Sometimes the sky only gives a little, and you can still see the grass poking through.  That’s kinda ugly, especially in already ugly and depressed rural or poor places.  In that case, snow just makes it more of a hopeless Dickensian scene.

Snow is fun to have surrounding you, like when you are in a warm house heated by a fireplace, lots of hot cider or hot chocolate or hot toddies on hand, and the presence of easy-going family members.  Snow is not fun when you have to drive to the store to get supplies or get away from anyone you don’t like in a cramped house.

Snow is dangerous on the roads.  If it’s thick and deep, it’s like driving through soup, which can be fun, but that fun almost always leads to sliding into your neighbor’s mailbox…while he’s checking it.  If it’s not thick and deep, it’s deceptively easy.  You get confident.  The speed creeps up and then, blammo, you are sliding like butter on hot Teflon.  Your life flashes before your eyes, and you realize it’s not that great.  Dang.

Snowball coming at you.

Snowball fights are great.  Playing in the snow with people you like is great.  Snow makes cold days appear less cold.  I don’t know how, but that’s a fact.

RANDOM HARVEST (1942)

– A Review –

Greer Garson and Ronald Coleman

This movie is a sappy, black and white, romantic gaga-fest.  It is utterly unbelievable and ridiculous.

That’s what people might want you to think.  And it’s totally true.

But that shouldn’t preclude you from enjoying it.  This movie was made in the “golden age.”  It was a time of movie-making that gave people something akin to a delicious, full-blooded, five-course meal.  Maybe it’s not super subtle.  Maybe it’s not ironic or full of social commentary.  Maybe it has a sweet reveal at the end.

But that’s what I love about this film!  It is dynamically fantastic in the treatment of the plot.  Here it is, and I’ll try not to spoil anything:

Soldier in WWI is knocked unconscious from shelling in the trenches.  He wakes up in an asylum and can’t remember who he is.  He escapes the hospital and wanders about town during the armistice celebrations.  He gets rescued by a saloon dancer (HOT!) and she takes care of him.  They fall in love, get married and have a baby, all the while trying to find out who he was, but to no avail.  He goes into town to look for work and gets hit by a car.

Now he can’t remember the previous three years with his wife and child, but everything before that is suddenly clear.  Good thing, because he was originally rich as all get out.  So now his rich family wants him to find a nice girl and get into politics.  He doesn’t want to because deep down he knows he’s in love, but he doesn’t really know it, right?

Meanwhile…his wife goes looking for him, and finds him.  But she can’t bring herself to confront him, for fear of freaking him out!  Like the truth will cause his brain to melt and him to, I don’t know, hate her or something.  So she bides her time, and [Spoiler] becomes his secretary.  The reveal there is awesome.  I’m sure there were gasps in the theater.

I can’t tell you the rest, except that it’s completely awesome.

This movie is terrific.  The main actors are at their charmingest.  Honestly, they were super great.  The quality of movie making then was tight and bold.  The downside of the old-timey movie studio system was rigid sameness and little creative risk-taking.  However, the upside was movies like these.  They work, period.

I urge you to check it out.  If you do, I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.  I can declare thus because the people who are brave enough to venture forth are brave enough to like old, sappy movies.

Searching for answers.

The Spirit of Christmas

Frosties

Party all the time

We’ve got a friend, whom we’ll call “Will,” who occasionally exhorts us to engage in all manner of wacky, illegal, and downright dangerous escapades of frivolity and badassery.  When he does this, we get a chuckle in our bellies, a glimmer of joy in our eyes, and that wonderful sense of hope that it might come true.  This type of suggestive agenda-making is great for anticipation.  You know full-well in your mind that it won’t happen.  No way could it happen!  It would most-likely be very bad if it happened.  But still…what if?  Wouldn’t it be great?  For those of us who have never “raised” any “hell,” it’s enough just to have the prospect suggested.

However, it must be noted that unlike Will, many people lack the gift of suggestion.  They sense the excitement, and they want to be a part of it.  They’ll blurt out a seemingly similar and ridiculous challenge, only to have it met with looks out of the corners of eyes.  Not only does the suggestion fall flat, but it deflates the spirit of the room.  For example:  One of the following proposals is awesome, and the other is lame.  Super lame.  Can you tell them apart?

#1)  “Okay man, we’re going to play a drinking game.  Here are the rules:  Whenever I take a drink from the bottle of wine, you have to take one as well.  And whenever you take a drink from the bottle, I have to take a drink.  Ready?”

#2)  “Dude, we should totally drink this bottle of wine really fast.  We’ll get so drunk.”

Whether you end up drinking the wine or not is inconsequential.  The first offer makes you feel like “this is going to be the party of the year.”  The second offer makes you wish you had stayed home.

So if you’re looking to make this weekend one for the history books, aim high!  Because when we reach for the stars and fall short, we still come closer to achieving our dreams, or some kind of crap like that.  Just don’t do anything stupid.  Also, don’t hang out with frat boys, ever.

The only things you need for a party are two people and the RHCP playing “Love Rollercoaster.” -Will

Movies to Watch on Hallowe’en (or What You Should’ve Been Watching All Month) – Part I

#9. Mad Monster Party (1967)

Made by the folks who made Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  This plot is slow, the pacing is slow, the dialogue is slow, but it’s still worth it.  The animation is great.  The story is absurd, but hilarious; something Woody Allen might have dreamt up.  The score is fantastic, but I’m a sucker for the groovy sixties scoring in the vein of Les Baxter and Vic Mizzy.

#8. Nosferatu (1922 & 1979)

The silent film is a classic.  It is iconic, but many people still haven’t seen it because they aren’t fans of silent film.  It is worth it, though.  The creepy, eerie, evilness of the main character is still effective.  The story is almost an exact faithful adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, with only the names changed.  They did this because they couldn’t afford the rights, and even still after a small showing the film was destroyed for copyright infringement.  It is lawlessness that allows it to still exist, which seems fitting.  The 1979 version, by Werner Herzog, is an updated version, equally creepy and disturbing, but for many different reasons.  The character and makeup of both “Draculas” are an interesting take, and I’m glad they did them.

#7. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)

When I heard about this movie, after having loved the shorts, I thought, “Really?  Is that they best they could do?  A FEATURE movie and they are wasting it on a simple, Halloween-y story about a rabbit?”  What I should have thought was, “Amazing.”  This is wacky British humor at it’s best.  And who doesn’t like a clay-mation movie?  No one who matters, that’s who.  If you like movies made by people who love schlocky movies but are really good at making them, then this is for you.

#6. Young Frankenstein (1974)

Mel Brooks’ delicious send up and loving homage of the 1930’s Universal Horror movies, notably Frankenstein.  Some say it is Brooks’ best film.  While I disagree, it is terrific Hallowe’en comedy.  The style is slow and methodical, and the jokes are sometimes subtle, sometimes in your face, but they are all perfect.  It makes me think of a time when you know you were watching a movie, and marveled at its construction, while still being thoroughly entertained.  It’s like we are all in on the joke and fun of telling a funny story.  “Puttin’ on the Riiiiiiiitz!”

#5. The Haunting (1963)

I won’t say this is a prototypical haunted house story, but it is probably the best.  It is based on a scary Shirley Jackson book, and made into a scary movie by Robert Wise, so it has a great pedigree.  The fright is developed by sound effects and silence and constant camera movement.  It seems as if the camera is a an ethereal spirit at points, floating back and forth down hallways and into rooms.  It is so effective because of pressure.  It builds up in the story and then lets it escape at the right time.  When I encountered that, I screamed and jumped over the back of a couch.  Whilst watching with other guys.  They didn’t make fun of me, because it was freaking scary.

Growing Up Into Beer

Over the course of about two years, I went from being a beer hater to a beer aficionado.  Well, I never hated the idea of beer, just the taste.

Before, I would cooperatively try a sip of wine or beer, only to recoil in disgust.  It tasted like how rubbing alcohol smelled, which I now know is an unreasonable conclusion, but I missed out on alcohol abuse as a youth, which is what I needed to get over that hump.  And so it was for years!  I couldn’t get through more than two sips of wine or even the neck of a beer.  When I went out with friends, and I would ask what a stout beer tasted like, people would say ‘like oatmeal’ or ‘chocolate’ or ‘malty,’ all of which I liked.  Then I would order one and be sorely disappointed.

I didn’t give up, though!  Maybe that’s not a good thing, but I’m glad I kept trying.  I found that the lighter beers were easier.  They tasted like crap, but I found that I liked PBR okay.  So I sipped a lot of PBR until I could finish one.  Then I tried a variety of ciders, like Strongbow or Woodchuck, because I could finish those and I liked the taste…and at some point, I liked beer!  However, at that point, all varieties still tasted the same–like beer.

After I moved down to Texas and met some friends who are beer snobs, that began to change.  They could point out to me some differences in what it should taste like and why.  I participated in a home-brewing process.  I kept trying new stuff, and then all of the sudden, I could identify the differences!  I could smell the ingredients.  I could appreciate the differences between labels of the same type.  I discovered that I like hops (the more the better), and that I have a weakness for the BIG beers (high alcohol per volume).  But now I know what I like for different occasions, even though I might not know what is appropriate.  (I still have some civilizing to undergo.)

The question I had for the longest time was ‘why should I try to acquire a taste for something I don’t like and for something that is badly abused by lots of people?’  I still don’t really know the answer, but then, I waited a long time to figure it out.  I suppose it’s one of those things about growing up:  trying new and different things, associating experiences and memories and people.  As we all get older and change, there are things that we wouldn’t have expected to be good or bad, but there it is.

Diversity is good!