Skelefun

Before you know it

Things* that we can eat a ton of…

Don't stop until you get enough

Taco Burgers
Oreo cookies
Tootsie Rolls
Cool(er?) Ranch Doritos
Mini pretzels
M&Ms (Plain or Peanut)
Gummy Bears
Deviled eggs
Beef jerky
Brownies
Chips and Salsa/Queso
Fresh baked rolls
Waffles
Scrambled eggs
Bacon
Jello
Free salad and bread sticks
Free continental breakfast
Punkin pie
Pudding (chocolate only)
Peppernuts
Pssh.  PIZZA.
Lucky charms (only once in a blue moon, though)
Donut(hole)s

*These foods are to be enjoyed slowly and deliberately, without even realizing it.  They are not for scarfing.  Unless you feel like it or are in a hurry.

Like a Champion

W-wa-water!

Dear Diary,

I’m thirsty.  Guy-about-to-die-in-the-middle-of-the-desert thirsty.  I’m too weak/lazy to get up and get some water from the drinking fountain which is less than six meters away from my cubicle seat, where I’m sitting in a pathetic slump.

There a bottle of water on my shelf.  It’s been sitting there for six months, untouched.  I used it to water my plants, but then I stopped just to watch them die.  Fyi, they won’t die.  Someone else keeps watering them when I’m not in my office.

Is that water good?  It’s been sitting there, stagnant, for six months.  The cap is screwed on, but lightly, rather than tightly.

What would a bad-ass from the old west do?  They’d drink that water, is what!  They wouldn’t be all sissy about it, but then they’d probably die a horrible painful death, as their family watched with pity turning to anger turning to shame.

Too late, I drank it.  Let me just say it tastes fine; I’m just wondering if I’ll be cutting my guts out with a spoon later on tonight.

#7 (Best Places for a Showdown)

-CATACOMBS-

"SHH-PSST-shutup!-Ican'tsee!-shh..."

Because sometimes you want to keep things on the down-low.

Chemicals

Sims

Characters for a Monumental Work of Fiction

Sims

"Oh very good, sir."

Manservant beyond reproach, Sims is a faithful gentleman’s gentleman.

His strengths include couture tailoring, preparing a very sincere pot of tea, martial arts, and mastery of a surprising number of languages (both living and dead).  His weaknesses include an overbearing sense of chivalry, which has thus far prevented any romantic endeavours from progressing past a tip of the hat.

Sims has a way of being in the right place at the right time, holding the right implement, ready to serve up anything from cocktails to pain.

The Cool Room

A small example.

A guy needs a place to be cool.  Not that he can’t be cool around women, cause women are totally cool.  But a guy needs a place to BE COOL.  To play the kind of music he likes to play.  Drink the drinks, watch the TV, joke the jokes that he wants without the worry.  Everyone is welcome, of course.  But they are also free to leave when they want, if they want.

A rumpus room works best.  For some guys it’s a garage with tools and such.  That’s good, too.  Depends on your interests.  But then, you have to ask, why not both?  And be honest.

Rumpus rooms work well in corners, and they work best in basements.  Walls are lined with faux wood-paneling, floors covered with bespeckeled brown shag carpet.  An old couch, gently used, will accompany an old easy chair.  A gold-colored, fancily gaudy globe lamp hangs in the corner by a decorative gold chain, through which the clear-gold-coated power cord is interlaced.  A garage-sale (or homemade) entertainment center graces a wall facing the couch.  It features perhaps a console TV, turntable, and receiver, all wired to great bookshelf or (if you’re affluent) stand-up speakers.

A bar is essential.  It doesn’t have to be wet, since plumbing is expensive if not already installed.  But it does need a mirror with little golden etchings to make it look old and the logo of some long-forgotten beer company painted across it.  A padded rail upholstered with faux-leather (or, “pleather”) provides comfort for elbows which will never lean against it.  (Those rusty-legged stools haven’t been mounted in years.)  The stocking of the bar is up to you.  Maybe you managed to fit a mini-fridge under there, keeping frosty the various microbrews that you love to offer a friend.  Maybe there are dusty bottles of various liqueurs that never get touched, arranged neatly on a shelf behind very dust-free bottles of spirits that often do.  Maybe you just use the storage space for your collection of beer steins which will someday get their day in the sun when you finally throw that Oktoberfest party!  (You won’t.)

Other accoutrements, befitting your interests and personality, are certainly possible.  Bowling trophies?  A guitar case (possibly housing a guitar)?  I’m not here to tell you what makes a man; society does that already.  But make sure it’s a place where you can be comfortable doing what you want.  If someone doesn’t like it, then there’s the door.  (Up the stairs and through the kitchen.)

#6 (Best Places for a Showdown)

-HAUNTED and/or ISOLATED and/or COVERED BRIDGES-

But you don’t have to take my word for it…(ba dump, BUMP!)

Guacamole

The Super Bowl is fast approaching, and we all know that the Super Bowl isn’t about commercials, halftime shows, or even football…it’s about FOOD!  Thanksgiving gives us license to eat more dinner than we ever would; Hallowe’en –> candy; Super Bowl Sunday –> SNACKS.

And one snaque rises in tastiness above the rest:  Guacamole.  I will refrain, in this case, from explaining the origin of the word “guacamole” as I am wont to do.  Look it up.

It’s easy to make, and you don’t even need a Super Bowl for an excuse!  Start with one ripe avocado (dark skin, with a nice “give” to it) or as many as you think you can eat.  I find that one makes a perfect appetizer for two people, but maybe this is your main dish, I dunno!  Halve it, skin it, just get that goopy green goodness into a bowl somehow.

Throw in some minced onion.  How much?  Well, how much do you like onion?  I’d say 1-2 Tbs per avocado.  (You can also use shallots if your hoitey is toitey enough.)  Add some fresh cilantro (washed, stems remov’d, chopp’d), again 1-2 Tbs per crazyfruit.  Squeeze in the juice of one lime.  Some people add garlic, and I supposed I consider myself some people.  Chop up a clove or two and toss it in!  Shake a bottle of hot sauce (Louisiana or other) onto the pile as many times as you’d like.  I know we’ve got a lot of flavors going on here, but it’s the Super Bowl we’re competing with!  We can make a subtle dip while we watch The Masters.

Mash up all that goodness with a potato masher if you have one, otherwise, use whatever…a fork?  Lastly, add some diced tomato.  (Maybe half as many tomatoes as avocados.)  Now gently mix it together. (We waited with the tomato so it wouldn’t get squishefied, so don’t squishefy it now!)  Serve (eat) with tasty tortilla chips!  Keep an eye on the clock so you don’t miss the halftime show!  Kittens or The Who this year, your choice.  No judgements.

SNOW

It's snowy and gray and that's winter, suckas!

The glory of snow.  It’s wonderful.  It’s magical.  It’s also a huge pain.

I don’t see snow too much.  South Texas is devoid of the white stuff.  I only get to see it once a year when I visit Kansas for the holidays.  Somehow, and I’m grateful, it has snowed during my brief week-long visit each year for the last three.  I remember growing up there and not getting too many White Christmases.  What a bunch of crap.

Snow is pure and beautiful.  It’s a great decoration to any landscape, as long as there is enough.  Sometimes the sky only gives a little, and you can still see the grass poking through.  That’s kinda ugly, especially in already ugly and depressed rural or poor places.  In that case, snow just makes it more of a hopeless Dickensian scene.

Snow is fun to have surrounding you, like when you are in a warm house heated by a fireplace, lots of hot cider or hot chocolate or hot toddies on hand, and the presence of easy-going family members.  Snow is not fun when you have to drive to the store to get supplies or get away from anyone you don’t like in a cramped house.

Snow is dangerous on the roads.  If it’s thick and deep, it’s like driving through soup, which can be fun, but that fun almost always leads to sliding into your neighbor’s mailbox…while he’s checking it.  If it’s not thick and deep, it’s deceptively easy.  You get confident.  The speed creeps up and then, blammo, you are sliding like butter on hot Teflon.  Your life flashes before your eyes, and you realize it’s not that great.  Dang.

Snowball coming at you.

Snowball fights are great.  Playing in the snow with people you like is great.  Snow makes cold days appear less cold.  I don’t know how, but that’s a fact.